


Breathe

by Keep_drowning



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:22:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23786257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keep_drowning/pseuds/Keep_drowning
Summary: Hermione's struggling. Everyone knows.But how can you help Little Miss Brilliant when her sparkle has gone?
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Ginny Weasley
Comments: 6
Kudos: 22





	Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> Woo
> 
> So
> 
> This is my first work for AO3 - I haven't written in a long time, and I haven't ever written an HP ff - So constructive criticism is much appreciated.  
> I wrote this at some point in 2018/2019 - and I found it on my laptop a couple of days ago.  
> Ahhh.... Enjoy (I hope)!

#The sun slowly rises as I stare out over the lake, ignoring the numbness that has taken my fingers and toes. I check my watch and sigh when I see the time. I get up and slowly trudge back to the tower where everyone has already started getting ready.  
I slip into my bed, draw the curtains and mutter a spell. Darkness.

“Mione?” says the voice that wakes me from my slumber. Long ginger hair pokes through the curtains.  
“Heya Gin,” I mumble as I sit up. She sits down on my bed, drawing the curtains closed.  
“You okay?” I nod in response and she shakes her head.  
“Liar,” her voice lacks malice.  
“I just couldn’t sleep last night.” She sighs.  
“What were you thinking about?” she asks as she takes my hand.  
“Everything and nothing.” I say and I shrug.  
“Ginny!” a voice calls and she huffs.   
“Sorry Mione, I’ll be back in a tic” and she vanishes.  
I check my watch, it’s only six – dinner will start soon, and I should probably go. I get up, discarding yesterday’s clothes as I head into the shower. I yawn as the hot water begins to run down my back and soon the water is joined by my tears.

I turn the shower off as I hear someone else enter and I take a seat on the floor as I pull it out and run it down my arms.  
And I breathe.

Ginny’s waiting for me outside the common room and she takes my hand into hers and we walk down to the Great Hall. Neville’s sitting at the end, staring at Trevor, so we join him. He smiles as he sees us sit.  
“Hey Neville” Ginny says. “What you doing?” she asks, looking between him and Trevor.  
“I think Trevor might be sick” He says, a frown entering his face.  
“Oh no! Why don’t you take him to Hagrid?” she suggests.  
“Professor Sprout started brewing a potion, so I’d rather try that first….” He says trailing off.  
Ginny starts emptying some food onto my plate.  
“Do I not get a say in what I’m going to eat?” I ask her, swapping our plates.  
“Sure” She says with a shrug, and I take a bit of pasta.  
“Hermione!” Harry says, relieved, as soon as he sees me. “Are you okay?”   
“Didn’t sleep well” Ginny answers for me.   
“He wasn’t asking you Ginny.” Ron says with a snort.  
“And no one asked for your comment Ronald. So, all’s even.”  
As soon as I’ve finished my plate, I stand up, giving Ginny a quick kiss on her cheek – but before I reach the door a stern voice says my name.  
“Miss Granger?” I spin around. McGonagall faces me, her hair pulled as tight as ever into a bun, her arms folded.  
“Would you care to inform me why you were not present in my class today?”  
“Sorry. Professor.” I say with as much remorse as I can muster.  
“Sorry is not an excuse Miss Granger. I’m surprised with you. My office. Eight o’clock” She says, before leaving.  
I sigh as I check my watch. That gives me half an hour. I decide to head up to the astronomy tower. I sit and begin scratching away with my quill.

“Enter” her voice says before I’ve even lifted my hand up to knock. I push the door open and she doesn’t look up.  
“Take a seat Hermione” I flinch as she says my name. That isn’t a good sign.  
After a couple of minutes, she stops writing and moves the papers to the corner of her spotless desk.   
She coughs.  
“What’s the matter dear?” she asks as she looks down her glasses.   
I freeze.  
“What do you mean Professor?”  
“I mean what I asked. What is going on?”  
“I still don’t follow…” I say hesitantly.  
“This may be the first time you’ve missed my class Miss Granger, but it isn’t the first time you’ve missed class this term, or even this week.” There’s a silence.  
“Well?” Her voice lacks impatience, instead it is full of concern.  
“I – I just haven’t been sleeping well” I tell her honestly.  
“Then why didn’t you ask Madame Pomfrey for a sleeping draught?”  
“I-I’d rather not take anything like that Professor.”  
“Why ever not?”  
“I don’t know Professor.” I say with a slight frown. Her face mirrors mine.  
“Miss Granger.”  
“Yes Professor?”  
“I know I’m a teacher, I know I can be very serious at times. But I’m your head of house. If there’s something you want to talk about, you know you are more than welcome.”   
“I do Professor.” I tell her, without meeting her gaze. “May I go?” She nods.  
“I expect to see you in class tomorrow Miss Granger. Good night.”  
When I get back to the common room, Ginny is sitting in an armchair. She smiles when she sees me.  
“Come Mione,” and I settle down in her lap, my head buried in her shoulder.

At eleven o’clock I come to, Ginny is fast asleep. I slowly try and shuffle out of the chair, my shoulders stiff. I take out my wand, swish and flick and put Ginny into her bed. Once I’ve tucked her in, I head up to my bed, pulling out the planner that has gone long unused. Writing etched in on the most recent of pages, though my memory fails to recognise when exactly I scribbled it down – but the script is mine. With a sigh, I begin to start on the growing mound of work that I’ve been neglecting over the weeks.  
“Mione?” It’s Ginny. I look up, startled. “Have you slept?” I blink a few times.  
“I don’t think so?”   
“Oh Mione.” She pauses. “What have you been doing?” She asks, looking over my shoulder.  
“Trying to get some work done.” She looks at me awkwardly.  
“You don’t seem to have done much…”   
“What’s the time?” The question is rhetorical, I check my watch and swear.  
“I’ve been sitting here for hours Ginny. I don’t know where the time has gone.” She gives me a sympathetic look.  
“We’re going to Madame Pomfrey.” She tells me, and she puts her hand on my shoulder.  
“Ginny. I’m fine.”  
“Yes. You’re so fine that you’ve been sitting here all night doing nothing. You’re losing track of time Mione. Your sleep is all over the place. You look so tired.” I stay put. “Mione.” She says firmly.  
“I’m not going.” I tell her quietly. She takes my hand.   
“Mione.”  
“I’m not going.” I tell her louder.  
“What’s the matter with you?” She says close to shouting.  
“Right now, you.” I tell her. And then she’s gone.  
I shake my head. Breathe. In and out. In and out. In and – I stand up. I go to the shower. And I do my routine. And then I go to bed.

But I don’t sleep.

Instead I just lie there, in the darkness, my head empty yet so so full. I don’t move when I begin to hear everyone return. I don’t move when the silence returns.  
But when that voice says my name, I’m up almost instantaneously.  
She looks cross.  
I mean. She always looks cross. But somehow her arms are folded tighter and her hair is even tighter and even higher and her lips even smaller.  
“Miss Granger-“  
“Professor.” And then we’re in her office. Me still in my pyjamas, my hair a mess and my-  
“Miss Granger. Take a seat.”  
“You can’t apperate inside Hogwarts” I say dumbly. She raises her eyes.  
“Absent again Miss Granger.”  
“I-I-I-“  
“Don’t apologise Miss Granger if you know the behaviour will continue-“  
“I-I lost track of time.”  
“Did you have any intention of coming to class?”  
“It was entirely my intention Prof-“  
“Did you sleep?” She asks, pulling out a chair and gesturing for me to sit.  
“Yes-“ I say, as I take a seat.  
“Don’t lie. Miss Weasley came and spoke to me in tears. She’s concerned, and rightly so.”  
“What do you mean by rightly so?” Her expression instantly softens.  
“Miss Granger. You are the smartest witch your age. But your marks along with your attendance have been slowly decreasing for weeks. You rarely appear at meals and I haven’t seen you at a Quidditch Match or Hogsmede visit for months. You are always alone unless the young Miss Weasley is with you. If that isn’t a cause for concern, then I don’t know what is.”  
I sit there, in my chair, with no response.  
“It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to not be perfect. It’s okay to be human.”  
“It isn’t.” I say shaking my head. She takes my hands in her own.  
“I’m meant to be smart and confident and a know it all. But I can’t Professor. I’m trying, I’m trying but it isn’t working. I can’t concentrate on anything, I can’t stop this tiredness that just follows me all the time. I can’t stop any of this. I can’t control me or what I feel or think. I don’t have the energy to keep up with being Hermione Granger. I don’t have the energy to be here.” I tell her defeatedly. And she gives me a look.  
“My dear child-“  
“I’m not a child Professor. I’m 15. I may not be an adult per sae, but I’m certainly not a child anymore.”  
“Miss Granger. Listen.” Her tone is still soft and empathetic. “Sometimes this happens. Sometimes our minds turn against us and it feels like a loosing battle. But talking, admitting something is wrong, is the first step. Miss Granger. You are brilliant and I know you can beat this.”  
I shake my head.  
“I’m not brilliant anymore Professor. I stopped being brilliant a long time ago.” She gives me a small, sad smile.  
“Hermione. You’re still you. You just need to see it.”

The next morning, I am sent to Madame Pomfrey who hands me a muggle-looking pill and a glass of water. I take it without a fuss.  
“You’re very welcome to a sleeping potion tonight if you require,” she tells me as I swallow. I decline.  
I head to class. The first class I’ve been to in days.   
“Nice of you to join us Miss Granger,” Snape says, as he sees me enter. I don’t respond. Instead I take the empty seat next to Neville.  
“Oy Hermione” Ron calls as I’m about to start mixing the contents of the cauldron. I turn.  
“Why’s Ginny so upset?”  
“Why don’t you ask her?”   
“You’re her girlfriend.”  
“Yeah and you’re her sister Ron. Maybe try asking her about her feelings for a change rather than going through me.” He doesn’t respond.  
“10 points from Gryffindor for Weasley and Granger’s pathetic squabbling” Snape shoots.   
Fuck.  
I turn back to my cauldron, pick up my spoon and begin stirring. The potion turns a lime-green colour, it’s odour resembling that of troll snot.  
“15 more points from Gryffindor” Snape says, as he walks past my Cauldron and stops.  
“Little-Miss-Know-It-All over here thinks she’s so clever that she doesn’t have to follow instructions. Class gather round.” And everyone does so. I can feel the blood rushing to my face.   
He picks up the spoon and spills a drop onto the table. Instantly the air feels thick and smoke begins to rise. The class starts coughing as the smell intensifies.  
He mutters a few words, and then all is back to normal.  
“How many seconds did you wait before you started stirring, Granger?” He sneers. I don’t answer.  
“I said, Miss Granger, or are you back in your own world like you have been for the past few weeks, how long did you wait?” There’s a pause.  
“I-I-I d-d-don’t know Professor,” I force out.  
“It looks like the insufferable know-it-all is only living up to half of her name then. Class dismissed.”   
Harry waits for me. Ron’s gone on ahead.  
“You okay Mione?”   
“I will be.” He stops walking and hugs me and I think I start crying.  
That night I ask for a sleeping potion.

The next day starts the same. I go to Madame Pomfrey and take the pill. The day goes slowly. I struggle to pay attention in class and before I go to bed, I return to Madame Pomfrey.  
But that night, as I go to bed, I find Ginny sitting on the foot.  
“I’m so so sorry Mione” She tells me as soon as she sees me.  
“Don’t be.”  
“No. I was upset because I was worried but that didn’t justify how I acted.”  
“Honestly Ginny, it’s fine. Leave it.” She stands up, kisses my forehead, and then pulls me onto my bed.

I get into a pattern. I don’t feel any different. But it everything becomes habitual and I do it on autopilot. I don’t have to think, don’t have to feel.   
But sometimes the lack of emotion is scary. Sometimes I have to prove to myself that I really am human.  
Those nights, I wonder around the castle, indifferent to whether or not I get caught. I find corners and empty classrooms and then, in the middle of the night, I can breathe.  
Breathing means I’m alive.  
And maybe – maybe I could just live my life like this. On autopilot, like a droid. With small late night outings to prove to myself that I am still Hermione.  
Well, kind of.

Until one day when I wake up to a grey owl perched by my bed, a letter held cautiously in its beak.  
Eight O’clock tonight. My office.   
I know whose green handwriting that is, but I don’t allow myself to think about it. Thinking will only make the day harder.  
Eventually, my watch reached ten to, and I make sure I look vaguely presentable and then head down to her office.  
The door is ajar, and I sleep in.  
“Take a seat Hermione,” she says through her specs. Silence.  
“How have you been doing?” She asks.  
“Better.” I tell her.  
“Are you sure?”  
“Positive.”   
“Miss Granger?” I make a small noise.  
“Would you mind if we contacted your parents?” She asks, sitting forwards.  
“Yes.”  
“Yes you mind, or yes you don’t mind.” She says, a frown forming, almost undetectable among the folds of her skin.  
“You asked if I would mind. Yes Professor. I mind very much so.”  
“My I ask why?”  
“I just don’t want them to know. It doesn’t feel right.”  
“Why ever not?”  
“I just don’t want them to think I’m ungrateful professor…” She pauses.  
“Hermione, do your parents ever tell you they think you’re ungrateful?”  
“No. Not in the slightest.” I tell her “But they’ve done so much for me, I don’t want them to think that I think they aren’t good enough.”  
“Hermione, they’re your parents. Of course they don’t think that.” Her tone is soft and patient.  
“But they might. They might.” I try and tell her but she shakes her head.  
“There are always mights. Always ifs and buts and should haves. But unless that’s the scenario, there’s no point worrying about it. Sometimes its best just to focus on the present.” This time I shake my head at her.  
“What do you mean?” She asks.  
“I have to be the best I can be. I can’t risk being a burden on anyone or pushing them away with my flaws. I can’t risk letting everyone down.” I tell her, my tone desperate. I begin to feel tears scatter down my face.  
“Hermione, you can’t always be perfect. There will be times in your life where you’ll be wrong. And when you’re wrong, people won’t stop loving you and caring about you. And you’ll learn from your mistakes and you’ll improve.” I shake my head with more force, the tears fall heavier.  
“Hermione,” She says, and she gently takes my wrist. I pull it back, trying to hide the stab of pain that just went through my wrist.   
She doesn’t try again, instead she moves around to my chair, and crouches down to my level and pulls me into a warm hug.

I leave feeling oddly blank, empty, dead. More so than usual. Instead of going back up to the tower I head to my haunch up at the Astronomy Tower.  
I stand there, for what feels like only moments but probably is a few minutes.  
The wind is calm and I use it to match my breath.  
I close my eyes and allow my thoughts to take control. I breathe, letting the fresh air fill my lungs and my chest expands and the pressure lifts off my chest. I let the wind stoke my face, my hair, making me hyper-aware of the wet trails running down my face.

And then I hear a small noise that causes me to look down.  
Trevor.  
“Episkey” I mutter, with a small flick of my wand. Silence. Then he croaks, a loud, Trevor croak. And he vanishes.

I return to my position. I can feel my heart thud against my chest, but it beats slow. I feel the tiredness finally begin to take hold.  
I count to fifty, take a breath, then a step forward.  
I’m gone.


End file.
